What Dapper Dads Actually Want For Father’s Day
Everything You Need To Make Sure You Don’t Make Your Dad Cry.
Socks and sandals, ‘Man from C&A’ styling and more man-made fibres then you can shake an Alan Partridge-shaped stick at.
These are a few of my favourite things, as the songs goes. No, of course, they bloody aren’t. Just because I am a father doesn’t mean my fashion sense has taken a backseat. Nor does it mean that I want to be inundated with pointless D.I.Y gadgets, novelty football tat, or anything to do with Golf.
It’s Father’s day. The one day of the year that your poor old fella gets to claim a bit of glory. A few pressies and maybe just maybe – if he has been a good boy, not be woken-up at the crack of dawn with a ‘Ninja Turtle’ style attack to his b-llocks by free roaming toddlers. What do dads actually want for Father’s day?
I’ll take it as read, that if you are greedily consuming this fascinating piece of literature, that you are either a dad yourself, or as someone guilt-linden with a sense of troubles and who is thinking ‘So What Do Dapper Dads Actually Want For Father’s Day?’.
Being that I am ever the helpful type I got together with my pal big Jim (him from the reasonably humorous/obnoxious/torturous/DailyMailFlagBurning podcast/site/Youtube channel ‘Bewildered Dad‘) and have come up with the the ‘Ultimate Gift Guide’ for your old man.
Don’t worry if you have already brought your dad something; you can take it back as it is bound to be wrong anyway. Between us, we have a whole nearly seven years of experience of being a dad to two reasonably maladjusted children. So you are in safe hands.
Grab a pen and piece of paper. Loosen up the band of your elasticated trousers. Kick off your shoes and get posed ready to take notes as there will be a quiz after you view this.
Gifts Dads Actually Want for Father’s Day
Right, so maybe you can’t get something your dad REALLY wants. If you do, you might end up becoming a social outcast like Jim. And/or getting yourself arrested in the process. All is not lost. If this is the case, then why not wimp out. Get on the interweb and grab yourself one/two/three of these carefully selected, stylish and sexy bits and pieces?
What Dads Actually Want For Father’s Day – Serious Suggestions
DANCE LIKE YOU CAN’T DANCE NO MORE.
When was the last time you went raving in an old church on a Sunday afternoon?. Tripped the light fandango to six DJs playing music that you want to hear, had a beer and got creative? Well, there is a very good chance that hasn’t happened in a good long time, if ever.
But now you can. Enter #TotRockinBeats. Check, check, check it out. The only place Dapper Dads actually want to spend Father’s Day.
NOTE: TotRockinBeats is a DBTH Production as such this a blatant plug, but still a bloody good idea if you live in driving distance of West Sussex.
If your dad has a beard and isn’t actually a lumberjack or a Cornish fisherman, then get him a decent razor. Beards are for hipsters, wannabe hipsters or men that it is scientifically proven that you can’t trust*. Hipsters have had their day and are essentially twots, so get him to take it off. No one wants to be a wannabee unless they have the word ‘Spice’ attached to the end of their name, and it’s 1997. It’s not, so get him to take it off.
**Source my dad, when explaining why Father Christmas had forgotten my Scalextric in 84.’
Considerably less tissue paper needed to mop up nicks and cuts need and gentle enough to give ‘Walter the Softy’ from the Beano a cuddle.
LIGHT UP YOUR LIFE
Right, imagine you are called upon to root around in a dark and damp place. Not that type of place you dirty-minded fool. I mean under the stairs looking for things like a gas leak. When those old bores at Health & Safety scream at you to put out the candle, you are holding. Then you are going to need a decent light.
Not one that you hold uncomfortably in your teeth or strap to your hat like a forgotten Chilean miner. But a nifty one that clips to your shirt and is strong enough to light up the recesses of Simon Cowell’s soul. Well, scratch that, NOTHING is that strong enough for that.
From Whitby & Co
BASS, HOW LOW CAN YOU GO
When I was a kid, size was everything. The bigger, the better. I loved strolling down the road with mine slung on my shoulder while getting dirty looks from old ladies on the bus. Yes, I am talking about being LL Cool J sized baby. I am now more cultured in my styling and less enamoured to have to fork out for tonnes of batteries just to listen to GrandMaster Melle Mel’s greatest hits. Now, I listen to Ken Bruce rocking ‘Popmaster’ on Radio 2. Small is beautiful, and my speakers no longer resemble a Reggae sound system.
Raincoats are usually on the itinerary of flashers or office workers, and I am neither. But I do want to keep dry without lugging around an umbrella. This seriously timeless trench coat looks like something that is going to stay around for a long time. Pretty Green continues being a firm favourite of flipping fashionable father’s, like moi.
From Pretty Green.
BEST FOOT FORWARD
It is officially the Summertime, so how about some new footwear?. Sandals and socks, well that that’s what most dads wear in the summer isn’t it?. Well, point of order, no it isn’t and in the words of ‘The Clash’, ‘This is England.
I’m not making a political point just bringing your attention to the fact that the in our summer it rains. Sometimes, actually quite a lot of the time. Get him some rainproof shoes that not only looks cool but actually are. Rock the Rockport. More comfortable that those elasticated trousers you find advertised in the back of the Sunday papers and a whole heap more stylish.
STAND FOR SOMETHING
‘If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything’. Wise words, indeed. By fobbing off the old man, with a pair of socks or the like, isn’t really on. But dads, like most people, do need socks. So why not ‘Sock it to him’ with a pair snazzier than Timmy Mallet’s wedding suit, but with some actually hardcore ethics attached?. All joking aside, 1 x pair equates to – providing things like 25 days education in Afghanistan, or 24 hours in a safe house for women & family in Ethiopia. That in itself has to be a gift that keeps giving –
GOING OUT, OUT?. – NO I’M NOT
Twenty years ago, I was regularly spending weekends Avin’ it large in the big smoke. Now the nearest I am likely to be staying out past my bedtime, hanging out in dingy, loud, sweaty clubs with random strangers is as about as likely, well as likely as something that it is very, very very unlikely.
But I do love revisiting those times. Only now I do it from the comfort on my armchair. With London’s nightlife sanitised beyond belief, it’s nice to remember the vast numbers of venues no longer with us. The Astoria, Marquee Club and Madame JoJo’s amongst many others. This book does it really well.
From Amberley Books
FACTS ON, FACTS OFF.
You don’t have to be Del Trotter, to want to work on the go. But in this world of spending so much time being glued to a screen, it is nice to carry something around that you can actually put pen to ink in. In between dodging toddler-shaped bullets and suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, here is something where your dad can pen his inner poems, plan his escape or just keep track on the kid’s social life engagements. (And, if you can bear to be away from a screen, they have handy tablet-shaped ones).
The speaker pillow is what young people call the “double threat” when utilised in the ongoing battle against aggressive toddlerhood. Help the dad in your life conveniently choose not to hear plaintive whiny voices requesting snacks every five minutes throughout the day, by sticking some Rage Against the Machine on and giving him the perfect excuse for ignoring the demands. On the other hand, the pillowy goodness ensures a comfortable cushion against the perpetual head blows that come with playing with kids.
Of course, he could even select a little Nick Drake to send him off to sleep or even some Barry White to soundtrack any other bedroom activity, potentially making this a triple or even quadruple threat – take that millennial.
I think we can generally agree that bear traps are “a little bit off” in the cruelty stakes. However, it is a well known made up fact that they were introduced as a kinder alternative to the previous method of ensnaring the wondrous beasts – sprinkling Lego blocks around the forest and waiting for them to step on one.
Of course, despite many campaigns and public information films, Lego is still allowed to roam free in our houses. The only way to really protect your dad against stepping on a brick and suffering the greatest pain known to humankind (worse than a kick in the balls and childbirth combined) is to buy him a smart pair of steel toe capped DMs.
What’s more, they are one of THE essential enduring style symbol of the 20th century and one of the men who started the company was called Herbert Funck. Herbert Funck!
From Dr Martens
How flexible is your dad? He’s no Olga Korbut, right? You might not get the reference, but he’ll find it hilarious.
Probably. Anyway, this Braun Wet & Dry razor works like a normal electric razor but, much like a frog, it’s amphibious. Use it dry, use it wet with a gel or foam or even shave in the shower – think of the time that saves for extra sleep. You won’t find a better present than that. The razor is flexible, even if your old man makes a groaning noise getting in and out of his chair.
Plain Walter White Tees
Dads like puns and telling people how broken they are from parenting. This makes this snazzy t-shirt emblazoned ‘Breaking Dad’ a fitting gift.
It’s also ideal for those dads who want to find a way into chatting with other fathers at another interminable children’s party but can never seem to muster the appropriate small talk. If they wear this, the others will know they are a Breaking Bad fan and, bang, you’ve got something to chat about. Either that or they’ll think he’s a meth dealer. Either way, it’s an icebreaker. Pun intended.
From Parent Apparel
So there you are. Happy now? Well, you should be. We’ve sorted out Father’s Day for you. Either as a dad, you can now look forward to printing off this post and leaving it subtly on the fridge, kids bedrooms doors, or the fly-over of the M25 basically anywhere your family might see it and take the hint. Or as a child, if you have found something you dad might like on this list, buy it and send us the money you saved on not buying rubbish. A) That is the nice thing to do. B) We need it for Jim’s bail money…..
What’s the best/worst thing you’ve ever received for Father’s day? What do dads actually want for Father’s day in your opinion? Answers on the back of a soggy beer mat from Wetherspoon’s.