The Big Payback – Collecting Memories Of Christmases Past.
Christmas is a time for hopes and dreams, but without wanting to channel the inner, pre-change Scrooge (frightened by ghosts, the big wuss), you’re not going to get what you want. What you really, really want.
You see, the ideal gifts for dads aren’t some novelty golf socks (mainly because he’s never played around in his life), but they are intangible rewards for another year of tireless dedication to their offspring. You can’t purchase the perfect dad present in Boots.
Forget the big money prezzies, what dads really want for Christmas in all seriousness, is to try to revive the ghosts of Christmas past. Not in an Ebenezer way, but to try and relive the Christmases of their childhood.
We are all implicitly aware that the 1970’s & 80’s were better for everything, this is a fact. Anyone disputing it will be met with a mix of intellectual derision that will take the form of:
A). Some Jimmy (Chinny Reckon) Hill’ing (R.I.P)
B) A smattering of the now highly offensive, but back then standardised playground insult of ‘Errrr, Joey Deacon’ (R.I.P) style frantic hand to chin waving.
Thus rendering their argument null and void.
What we really want is to do, is to do what was done to us. Namely, subtly collect tonnes of photos and home videos of our kids doing daft things.
These images and said videos would be stored in a safe place until the child reaches puberty and starts getting sullen. Then and only then, shall they be released unto the universe to cause much hilarity and a sense of morbid embarrassment to the self-conscious teenager.
This is especially useful when they start bringing home their first boyfriends/girlfriends. This kind of frankly terrifying family banter has been used for years. It is a tradition I strongly believe should be upheld. This has nothing to do with the fact that I was born with a huge Ginger Afro and lived through what was at the time, laughing called fashion of the 70’s. Thus giving my own family enough full-bloodied ‘comedy’ material to warrant 30 years of therapy.
Alongside all these fun and games, we would actually like a few actual gifts. If you are stuck for ideas, here are three made of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh.
Tune In, Pop Out:
For anyone regularly subjected to the music tastes of a toddler will know that the perfect change of pace for any car journey would be for it to be soundtracked by something good.
One of the kindest things you can do for your old man is allowing the chance to create his own mixtape (Remember those, kids?). Failing that, let him loose on Spotify, and then congratulate him heartily on his superior taste. (He didn’t spend years perfecting your favourite bands’ logos on your pencil case in Tippex for nothing).
Zen and the Art of Supermarket Shopping:
“Taking toddlers to the supermarket is, I believe, one of the main forms of torture used for many years at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp”.
Many of the rising stars of militant war zones have crumbled and grassed-up their entire families at the mere thought of taking your average three-year-old to Sainsbury’s to do the Christmas shop. Unfortunately for humanity, it has yet to be outlawed so continues to bring fear into the hearts of many.
Be Free To Pee:
The option to go for a wee without the little people joining you, making eye contact, grinning and continuously trying to hit your whanger with their grubby little paws like some weird game of Piñata. Invest in some Fort Knox level locks for the bathroom and let a man have some dignity!
So there you have it, three simple, yet effect ideas that will have the old man happier then given him a clear conscience, the cast of ‘Paw Patrol’ a brown sack, a pond and no witnesses. (Those that know, know..)