Can You F*cking Hear Me
Can You F*cking Hear Me

Stop Getting Over Egg-cited.

I know they say time goes faster when you get old, but now it is taking the Mick.

It’s like Christmas has barely tucked away its tinsel in the garage, then Easter is upon us once again. Well, I know it’s four months, but it doesn’t seem like that like that does it?.

Well, I might be eggs-aggerating slightly, but when the shops start stocking huge garishly coloured chocolate eggs on the 27th December, it’s no surprise.

I never quite understood that one, egg-sactly. Let’s acknowledge Easter by force-feeding our kids enough chocolate, to make the average soft play centre look like the aftermath of the apocalypse.

The other thing about this time of year is that you now have a couple more weeks of school holidays to contend with. Yes, don’t get me wrong I love the fact that I get to hang out with my small person more. What I don’t relish is, the additional costs, attached to keeping them entertained.

Back in the 70/80’s when I was a kid, it was much more straightforward and cost-effective to entertain children. As young-un’s we’d leave in the morning and barely see our parents during daylight hours, which to be honest, seems to suit them fine.

We’d engage in wholesome activities like, glue-sniffing, or nipping to the corner shop for a ten pack of fags, and hiring the latest 18 + VHS release for 50p, and then watching it on endless repeat. Or getting your mates’ dads CB radio and spend a couple of hours chatting in code with long-distance lorry drivers from the Midlands called, ‘Big Bear’ and ‘Dangerous Dave’. Nothing strange about that at all…

We’d head to the park to BMX or dream about being the ‘Karate Kid’, and employ the world’s least effective fighting technique (The Crane Kick).

Then before you knew it, it would be home for tea. We’d eat our weight in nutritionally balanced ‘Angel Delight’, before the whole family gathered around the box to indulge in giggling at the casual racism and misogyny of stars like Jim Davidson before we’d be shipped up the wooden stairs, to Bedfordshire, exhausted and happy.

Obviously, these days those pesky mood-hoovers from Social-services and ‘Elf and Safety’ have put pay to all that. So being that I am the thoughtful type, I have come up with a couple of cracking ideas to help keep your small people busy and keep those hard-earned pennies firmly in your pocket.

All Creatures Mate And Call:

Nip into ‘Pets At Home’ and run a David Attenborough-type quiz on the assembled species.

Believe me, the staff there absolutely love it when you spend hours wandering around, asking them repetitive questions, touching the stock, messing with their window displays and then leave without ever spending a bean.

Get It Booked In:

Take the kids to the library – get them to choose 10 or so books, take them over to the counter, check them out, then check them straight back in again.

Then give them back to the kids and tell them, to walk around tutting and put the books back in the egg-xact places they found them. With a quick rain-proof game of – ‘When I Grow Up I Wanna Be A Librarian’, now who said learning couldn’t be fun, eh?

BTW:

**I would apologise for the egg-related puns in this piece, but I am not going to. Bad dad-jokes are a thing of beauty and since Brexit have actually become law, so there!

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Editor | Journalist | Part-Time Revolutionary.

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