Summertime, Here It Is A Festival Slightly Transformed.
Now the summer is here we are now smack bang in the middle of the beautiful festival season.
Cast your mind back to those carefree days before your small people came along with their Mr Tumble-coloured world, the only time you would have seen trousers that bad would have been on a crusty white fella with dreadlocks and a trust fund.
Now of course, if you are brave/stupid enough to go to a festival with your kids, it can be one of two things.
A ) An incredibly spiritual reawakening away from the humdrum world of school-runs, where you get to see great bands of old and new, dance in the sunshine, hug strangers and chat codswallop with strangers.
B ) A nightmare of Freddy Krueger/70s BBC kids TV presenter hosting a sleepover, proportions.
So I’ve decided to come up with a few concrete ideas on how to have the authentic festival experience with your kids, but without leaving your home.
11 Lovely Homemade Festival Frollicking Ideas:
1) Dig out the tent from the garage, (the one which you had so thoughtful forgot to pack up properly, the last time you used it ) and spend at least 3 hours arguing with your better half over whose responsibility it was to pack the pegs
2) Turn on every radio, TV, tablet and laptop you own at full blast, tune them in different music stations and position them in every room, therefore creating the impression of a range of alternatives stages to visit
3) Leave all the taps and garden hoses running so you get that authentic muddy-as-hell welly boot look.
4) Take out all the bulbs, put up the fairy lights you have left over from Christmas and tie the on/off switch to next doors cat while letting a two-year-old ‘care’ for her
5) Wear down your mobile battery and then spend at least 3 hours shouting at spaced out strangers ‘Do you have a charger I can borrow?’
6) Tell your kids bedtimes are nonsense and keep them up to the early hours while labouring under the impression that they will want to sleep in, in the morning
7) Nip down to the allotment, or grab the compost heap from the local curry house and then spend 30 minutes blocking the loo, while smearing it out over the showers
8) Charge each of your family at least £8 and sell them undercooked Lidl sausages in a stale bun
9) Plot up in an ideal space, i.e. near the bar, not too far from the loos and near something like a big post so if you get drunk, you can always find your way back in the dark later. #protip
10) Find the most annoying kids you know, get them jacked up on endless amounts of Haribo and invite them round around to scream ‘Aciiiddd’ at the top of their whiny voices, while strategically jumping all over your tent
11) Finished? Pile everything/everybody is to an overstuffed/hot sweaty car and spend 10 hours going nowhere really slowly and pretending to be a traffic jam.
So who needs Glastonbury, eh?
Until next time groovers, remember to dream and don’t forget the sun-screen!
Image credit: TotRockinBeats @ Elderflower Fields: Pete Holmes