Not Just Fit. Dad Fit.
Do you remember just after New Year when you resolved to change your lifestyle? Get rid of the dad bod? Become fitter, eat better, drink less, and generally get buff for beach season? You created a Pinterest board of exercise plans and cool looking beach shorts that you were planning on showing off in the summer.
I’m guessing that like me, many of them have been completely forgotten as you polish off your child’s unfinished dinners and tuck into those extra helpings of pudding. After all, that bottle of beer in the fridge isn’t going to drink itself, and it would be rude to leave a slice of cake uneaten.
And suddenly the holidays are closer. Unless you start on some high-intensity workout plan you’re running the risk of being mistaken for a muffin in swimwear. It’s hard to pretend you’re James Bond when you’re still carrying the Christmas cake.
Have no fear, as every dad knows living with children is as much workout as anyone needs. Follow my foolproof steps below and you will be ready for the holidays (please note, this isn’t a legal guarantee. In fact it may not actually be true either!).
Arnie Knows What Time It Is..
Full Body Workout
Your new regime starts from the moment you wake up: get out of bed, make breakfast, find the toys, switch on the TV, get the kids clothes, switch the TV channel, remake breakfast (they’ve changed their minds), force the kids to brush their teeth, try and get them dressed, find that shoe, no, the other one, work out where the school bags have gone, dress yourself before you leave the house…. Your workout will never end.
It’s important to focus on specific muscle groups in any exercise plan. Often the legs are overlooked but as long as you live in a house that includes both children and stairs you’ll be absolutely fine. Having kids means you’ll have to endure countless instances of running between floors.
It doesn’t matter how many times you screech at your kids to come downstairs and get whatever toy they’re complaining about not having, they’ll stay in their rooms like the residents of a besieged castle forcing you to bend to their will. But remember this (as you’re climbing like Sisyphus for the umpteenth time), you will have calves to die for at the end of it.
Keeping your mobility is vital, especially as the years go on. Fortunately, your kids are here to help. The thoughtful blighters constantly leave piles of clothes, toys, books and random debris across the house. All you have to do is pick it up. Regularly. And have no fear, just when you think you’ve done a sweep of the whole house your mini gym coaches will start the routine all over again. Isn’t it great to have such forward-thinking children? Just remember to bend from the knees.
Stress-induced Weight Loss
If all that sounds too much like hard work, don’t worry. All children will drive you to distraction with a continuous routine of not listening, constantly repeating the same questions, asking you to pick up the thing that’s within arms reach of them, singing terrible songs loudly, screaming, crying for no reason, and waking you up before the sun has thought about rising. All of this combined overload will naturally heighten your stress and anxiety resulting in unchecked weight loss (and probable hair loss and a general increase in muttering threats beneath your breath).
That’s it, dads. You have no excuse. Follow this handy exercise plan and you’ll be ready to audition for Baywatch. Failing that, there’s always the option to sit on the patio and finish off that last beer.
Image: Wikimedia Commons