Halloween | I Am Going To Ban It.
ANY OTHER DAY OFTHE YEAR, dressing your kids in Satanic costumes, pulling them around the streets in the dark, getting them to knock on strangers’ doors to demand Haribo with menaces would have you straight on the child-protection register and your face firmly plastered on a witch-hunt Facebook group.
However, due to a custom started by Pagans 2000 odd years ago, on 31 October, this is perfectly acceptable. Actually, it is more than acceptable; it is massively hyped by retailers so us lucky parents get to spend a small fortune on tatt to help promote it.
I tell you, the only horrifying thing about Halloween is keeping your kids up past bedtime on a school night and giving them extra sugar, yet we do. Forget haunted houses visit a family with kids who have the recent stomach bug that was going the playground. Now that’s terrifying.
This year I decided that for Halloween, I’ll go as a toddler and scream “no” all day long.
Our neighbourhood comes alive with hundreds of costumed families on the streets, and a few of the local houses go all out with smoke shows, gazebos full of spider webs and fake blood. Kids queue for ages for the pop-up chamber of horrors to scream and collect a handful of brightly coloured treats.
“Trick or treat” comes the high-pitched call out. Think about this, how many people have you seen ‘front out’ the little scroungers?
This year I reckon we should try something different. When they come-a-calling, we stand defiant, as one united, and answer their demands with a show of solidarity and say a firm toddler like “NO”.
No, we don’t agree with you demanding sweets with menaces! In the 1960s The Kray Twins ruled London with similar tactics. They’d send in a scary monster and collect a ‘pension’ from businesses under veiled and not so veiled threats of terror. Nowadays we are encouraging our kids to follow suit, under the guise of ‘it’s just a bit of fun’.
Man alive, what are we thinking! 364 days of the year we wouldn’t dare encourage our kids to beg or take sweets off strangers. Especially if they lived in spooky, blacked out houses. You know the ones covered in cobwebs and poor sacrificed pumpkin brains that have scrapped out and scattered, taking the place of a nicely mown lawn. Now we compete in making our kids look more blood-soaked, how screwed up is that?
I reckon we should ban ‘Trick or Treat’ altogether. Think about the money we would save! No more money spent on tacky costumes that fall apart three hours later. No more money spent on sweets for neighbourhood kids that don’t want yours to associate with. No more weekly subs to Weight-Watchers because you have to shift that extra gut because you’ve scoffed all your nippers stash after explaining to them the importance of having a balanced diet.
Continuing my theme becoming the dads answer to Martin Lewis I’m also thinking about a campaign to explain to kids that since Brexit, the Tooth-fairy is asking for pocket money upfront to take away their spat out body parts. If they don’t pay, they will be charged with fly-tipping, fined and have their school-photo displayed as a mugshot in local papers round up of the local court reports.
Who’s with me brothers and sisters? Let’s put the little blighters back in their places.